Normative Relationships

“A normative relationship is one that aligns with commonly accepted expectations or standards within a society or culture, often regarding how relationships should be structured or developed”

Part I: Defining Monoheteroalloamatonormativity

Monoheteroalloamatonormativity is made up of overlapping ideologies:

• Mononormativity: “the societal assumption that a single, exclusive relationship (typically heterosexual and monogamous) is the norm, ideal, and most natural form of intimacy and connection”
• Heteronormativity: Heteronormativity is the assumption that heterosexuality is the default and preferred expression of sexuality
• Allonormativity: “the societal assumption that all individuals experience allosexuality (sexual attraction to others) and that this is the normal or desired state”
• Amatonormativity: “the societal assumption that everyone should desire and be in a romantic, exclusive, long-term relationship”

I am making this move similar to how patriarchy has evolved to be understood as cisheteropatriarchy to “include the oppression and marginalization of LGBTQ+ individuals within a heteronormative and cisgender framework”.

• Cisheteronormativity is more about gender identity https://modii.org/en/cisheteronormativity/ and does have some import into Monoheteroalloamatonormativity but I generally think about them as separate things

Mono-hetero: You have one partner of the opposite sex.

Allo-amato: It is a romantic and sexual partnership.

Heteronormativity has made that most progress and people understand that sexual orientation is wide and varied. However even among the queer community “Love is love” and “Gay sex is normal” are very focused on romance and sex. This is fine, but herein lies the alloamatonormativity.

I would say that mononormativity is implicit in amatonormativity and amatonormativity implicit in mononormativity, but I think it is important to extricate the two from each other.

• You can have amatonormative (romantic) relationships, while being in non-mononormative (non-monogamous) relationships.
• You can also have a non-amatonormative relationship, something like a platonic life partner, while being in a mononormative relationship.

Allonormativity is a weird one because it is less entangled to mononormativity and amatonormativity.

• Hookup culture usually allows people to have multiple sexual partners at the same time, or at least sexual encounters with people you are not romantically involved with.
• However most people still heavily associate romance and sex to the point while some can imaging sex without love, not many can imagine love without sex.

Inherent to all is a sense of hierarchy. That one is above all, and that it better be a sexual and romantic connection for it to mean anything real. “Monogamous Hierarchical Conception of Love”

Part II: Limiting Connection

In Relationship Limiting Beliefs, I argue that limiting beliefs (see: ideology) “genuinely prevent certain forms of meaningful connection in a person’s life”.

For one I think that hierarchical, all-or-nothing, singular thinking

I like this person but I am not sexually attracted to them so I will not date them.

Maybe the person you are most emotionally compatible with you are not sexually compatible with.

If you put all your time and energy into your romantic partner