Personal Community Building

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WORK IN PROGRESS! So don’t judge too heavily.

Introduction

I believe that a strong community with a sense of belonging and a sense of being seen/known is the key to a good life and happiness. I also believe that with the erosion of various social structures (like religion), there are less pre-formed communities for people to plug into/join. This means that it is harder than ever to make and keep friends in your life. This is a skill that is not formally taught, but one that I think pays the most dividends in life.

I believe that this is unfortunate, but it gives us the opportunity to take it into our own hands and gather people that we love the most into a community of our own. I call this personal community building and it is a little bit different than traditional community. It is more of a network of personal friendships of varying strengths across your life rather than a group of people that have some kind of shared characteristic, attitudes, etc.

You Should Be Centering Friendship

I believe that personal community building happens through friendship. You cultivate friendship with individuals but this can be done in a one-on-one or group setting.

• It’s good for your emotional health
  • loneliness = bad
  • feeling understood and seen = good
• All friends bring something new to the table and variety is the spice of life
• It allows you to have a robust support network
• You should center friendships of all types
  • all (non-transactional) relationships should be about friendship (even romantic ones)
  • Developing a Non-Hierarchical View of Friendships
  • In Defense of Medium Friends
  • On Friend Groups

How to Center Friendship

Centering friendship is about making it an important part of your life. It doesn’t have to be the most important part of your life, but it has to be up there.

• make time for friends even (or especially) if you have a romantic partner
  • check up on your friends and be proactive in scheduling time to hang out
• have keeping and making friends as a top priority (doesn’t have to be #1 tho)
  • constantly introduce your friends to new people
• make it clear to your friends how much you care about them and what you are willing to do for them if they need it

How to Keep Friends (and Deepen Relationships)

Finding and making friends is the next section, but first I think that you should turn your focus toward your existing friendships first.

• Reach Out First
  • “The onus of friendship maintenance is on the person who needs it more usually. This is a sad fact, but ultimately goes along with the adage “if they cared, they would” or “if they wanted to, they would”. I think that while this is a sweeping generalization, it is something that can be kept in mind while trying to keep optimistic as well.”
• Do an activity together
  • playing/watching sports
  • book club
  • reality TV watching
  • arts & crafts
• Create space over time for emotional vulnerability and intimacy
  • if deeper conversations don’t occur either ask yourself why they aren’t happening or start them yourself (can use conversation card games like WNRS)
• Go on a trip together
  • Can even be a day trip together, its just about experiencing new things and forming positive memories together

How to Find and Make Friends

If you don’t have many old friends that you keep in touch with anymore or want to develop new friendships alongside old ones, then this section is for you. Finding and making friends as an adult is just like dating, why do you think there’s things like Bumble BFF?

However there are definitely a few strategies to help make new friends.

The main way is to try to find people you have something in common with. While this may seem obvious, it is hard to do at scale. This is why you rely on your other friends as a pre-screen or try to go to a place/space that gathers people that you would have something in common with.

• Read more: How to find and make friends

If you can’t find spaces, sometimes you have to make them yourself. This can be done by inviting people over or creating some kind of group/organization in your community, workplace, online, etc.

Supplementary Reading

1. Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Marisa G. Franco
2. The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen
3. Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam