Compatibility, Meeting Needs, and ENM
Article • 695 Words • Compatibility, Non-monogamy • 12/11/2025
Non-monogamy opens up a lot more questions about compatibility because if you can get things from people and don’t need to get everything from one person, what is required of each person?
Beyond what is required of each person, how do you know if you should keep a relationship with a certain person?
- I don’t think that these should be done in the context of choosing one person over another, but everything discussed in this article technically works for that as well.
Is there a good heuristic?
No Dealbreakers:
- Most people could vaguely go together as long as they don’t get filtered out by dealbreakers, so I don’t think that this is that helpful.
“The Bare Minimum”:
- Is nice to you, respectful to others, etc.
- The 51% happiness boundary (Are you happy more than you are sad in this relationship?) is fundamental but likely too extreme for a stay/leave decision in ENM.
- You should probably want more than 51% happiness, but I don’t think that is makes sense to try to quantify and min-max happiness like this either though.
- Do they add more than they subtract in your life (net-positive)?
- This is relative, do they add a lot? Do they subtract a lot? (absolute)
- Baseline needs boundary is so fundamental (Do they like you? Are you safe?) that it also doesn’t really make much sense because you likely wouldn’t be in a relationship if they didn’t meet it.
Alignment:
- If you want a real relationship, I think you do need to be aligned in some sense, but unlike monogamy, you don’t have to be aligned in both the daily and long-term senses, just one of them will do.
- Does this mean that being aligned with someone makes someone worth your time?
- No, but if you enjoy your time with them and you are aligned then I think that is a good signal.
Integration:
- It may matter about their compatibility and chemistry within your constellation/community/friend group than just with you.
Personal Enjoyment & Adding To Your Life:
- If you like spending time with them, that is almost good enough for me.
- I think they should also be good for you/add something to your life otherwise to me it doesn’t seem beneficial.
- If they don’t add to your life, then I do not think that the relationship maintenance costs are justified.
Needs and Role Filling
One way that we can reason about if someone adds to your life is if they meet (some of) your needs.
- What kind of person do you need in this moment? For the future?
- Your needs will change over time and that is expected/good!
Disclaimers:
- A person is not just their role.
- You probably shouldn’t seek someone out just to fill a certain role.
- A person may not and need not have a defined role or roles.
- You can have multiple people fulfill the same role.
- Not all roles necessarily need to be filled.
- There can be an imbalance in the roles you play versus they play.
- You have to consent to that and be emotionally okay with that though.
A role usually comes in the form of “person with which I do X” or “person that does Y for me”.
- These can usually be reframed to be a role name too.
- Someone that cooks for me –> Chef
- Someone I watch movies with –> Movie Buddy?
- Someone that makes me laugh –> Comedian
Some roles have synergy.
- If you have someone as a roommate, it helps for them to be a good cook as well.
- If you are someone strapped for time or money, then co-locating those resources (i.e. by nesting) can make you life better easier more efficient.
Some roles are unnecessary for certain types of relationships.
- If someone is fiscally irresponsible that doesn’t matter for someone you won’t be sharing finances with.
For any of these roles they could be filled by anyone in your life like your partner or friends or outsourced to a professional!
- Chef
- Cleaner
- Shopper
- Therapist
- Confidant
- Sex Worker
- Friend
- Comedian
- Co-Parent
- Roommate
- Financial Advisor
- Alarm Clock
- Accountability Buddy
- Career Coach
- Study Buddy
- Tutor
- Doctor/Nurse
- Personal Assistant
- Curator/Recommender
- Personal Trainer/Dietician