What does growing together in a relationship mean?

I think there are multiple senses of the phrase “growing together in a relationship”. This means that when someone is talking about feeling like they aren’t growing with someone or that they want to grow with someone, it can be quite confusing to understand if you are actually talking about the same thing. I don’t want to fix a sense of the phrase, but I do think some are more plausible than others. In this article I will examine the various ways we could possibly interpret what it means growing together in a relationship in the ascending order of ways I think make the most sense.

Growth of Individuals Regarding Relationship Blockers

This would be striving to better the relationship by addressing individual issues that cause recurring conflict. Maybe one person is not as good at communicating their needs or when something bothers them they don’t speak up about it until way later.

I feel like people don’t actually mean this when they say relationship growth because this is just something that has to be done in order to continue the relationship. I wouldn’t call it growth, but moreso work to sustain/stabilize the relationship.

Additionally, while work is probably needed a bit on both sides, I do think that it ultimately comes down to individual change, as most people don’t want to be responsible for holding their partner accountable for something that they do that bothers them. To continue an earlier example, if my partner doesn’t speak up about things until later, should it be my job to be constantly prompting them to see if something is bothering them?

I think it can be hard to find an appropriate line to draw in terms of holding people accountable, but I do have a few general principles:

1. Don’t force anyone to change if they don’t want to (you can’t anyway!)
   • If they don’t want to change or meet you in the middle to discuss, then nothing else can really happen.
2. They should be the trying to understand why they need to change (You shouldn’t be the one doing the hermeneutic labor)
   • You can tell them how you’ve been affected, and you can work on a plan on how to move forward, but it cannot just be you telling them what to fix or how to change.
   • There should be expectations and/or a plan in place that is understood so that there is an effective understanding of what the other person is “on the hook” for. Additionally, without an understanding/model of an alternative behavior, not much can really be done by the other person to change.
3. Most reminders should be around the critical habit forming period (which can be anywhere from 2-5 months), and any slip ups along the way.
   • When and how you correct are very important; in this way, I see this similarly to multi-lingual parenting (“Should I correct the mistakes my bilingual son makes?”).

This kind of growth may or may not be limited to the scope of this particular relationship. Each person has their own particular set of needs and how they like to conduct themselves/have their partner conduct themself so it isn’t always 1:1 to another relationship. There is something to be said about learning how to work collaboratively with a partner in an empathetic and non-judgement manner to solve problems together.

Relationship Growth

I’m taking this to mean something like deepening intimacy, increased trust, and a stronger connection between partners over time. My hot take around this is that it doesn’t really take that much intentionality. I think you just see someone in all the seasons of their life and have more opportunity to create shared memories and be there for a person. As long as you don’t mess up too much during those moments, you are able to build a proof of work for trust.

Intentionality can accelerate the process by making those proof of work moments even better but I don’t think there is really a substitute for helping out in a crisis. I don’t think you can do this in auto-pilot though. At the very least you need to be able to turn toward each other. If in a time of crisis/need you turn away from each other then trust can be lost or intimacy broken. For example, if you are having money troubles and then get really secretive and anxious and lash out on your partner or avoid them instead of telling them, this could jeopardize the entire relationship.

In my opinion, relationship growth is simply the maturation of a healthy relationship, much akin to wine. I talk a little bit about this in Commitment Without Escalation where I say that a relationship will change over time because everything changes over time. In this way, a good relationship should theoretically get better over time, and a bad relationship get worse over time (assuming that you are consistent in doing the good/bad things).

To expand on the previous point about intentionality, I think awareness is more important. If you are aware that you’re not spending much quality time with your partner, what are you going to do about it? There will be intentional action, but in a sense of intentionality that is simply goal-oriented like most of our actions. I personally think that the romantic self-help complex has overused the word intentionality a bit.

Growth of Both Individuals

The way I feel is best to understand the idea of growing together is both trying to be your best selves. Not only that, but actively trying to help each other grow. However, there’s only so much you can do to help someone else because while you can bring a horse to water, you can’t make them drink. In terms of people, you can remove obstacles and provide encouragement to help them grow, but that’s about it. To take it a step further, you could be something like accountability buddies, but I think that is about as far as you can realistically go. You cannot grow for someone else, or really make them see that they need to grow, someone can only do that themself.

This concept relates to eudaimonic love, where the focus is less about creating happiness together in partnership, but instead focusing on well-being, flourishing (which can be accompanied by the entire spectrum of emotions). Where we create meaning in our lives through connecting with others and working together (Sad love: beyond the fairy tale).

With all that being said, you can grow together with anyone! It isn’t necessarily romantic at all and the more people holding you accountable in the various facets of your life, the better. Which is just to say, it isn’t just your partner who can help you grow. Furthermore, it should probably not fall on only one person to be responsible for your growth.