On Living Together

Background

I actually have no problem with people living with their partner, but in this article I want to play devil’s advocate and make sure that people have explored various other possibilities beforehand.

I think that partnership absolutely makes your life easier, but I don’t think that automatically means that you should live together.

Why Should You Live Together?

A lot of talk centers around the potential for saving time and money, but I think that this is actually a red herring. I think that for both saving time and money this can be done without living together or can be irrelevant.

For one, you might save money but what are you saving it for? How much would you save? What would the present value add be versus what the value add of the money spent later be? Or, if you were living with your partner and they were going to subsidize your living by paying more if they made more, what difference does it make if you live apart and they still are able to subsidize it a bit?

Secondly, if you want to share chores like cleaning and/or cooking, these can be batched together and shared with your partner regardless of living situation. Obviously if you are talking about everyday tidying or not meal prepping then it becomes less tenable, but with some planning you can still go grocery shopping together and split cooking without living together.

• Splitting up cleaning can be a harder sell to your friends, but meal prepping together is definitely pretty easy and fun.

Prior to meeting each other, you would have been living alone, with roommates, or at home.

• Living alone:
  • What needs to change?
    • Living alone can be quite expensive, so maybe you need to look for roommates or a different place.
    • It can also be quite lonely, but this is far more remediable.
• Living at home:
  • Do you not like living at home?
    • Moving in together might be a trapping force because you won’t want to go back home even if you want to break up with the person.
  • Does your partner live at home too?
    • Maybe only one of you needs to move out in order to create a space that both of you can have/retreat to.
  • Can you live alone or with roommates?
    • This would allow you to live near your partner without having to move in.
• With roommates:
  • Can you not live with them again?
  • Can you not find other roommates?
  • I mean yes it may be more inconvenient to have to tell your friend when you partner is coming over and be worried about noise and stuff, but if you are able to communicate well there are ways around this.
  • I feel like the ideal scenario would be if your roommate has a partner or friend where they can stay over some nights if you really want private time. Double dating but like roommates.

If distance was a problem you can just try to move closer rather than in together.

• I think the best case scenario is being able to live close together; same building, same street, same neighborhood, etc.
• The dream is living in a commune with your partner, family, and/or friends.

The Problems Of Living Together

Living together exacerbates existing relationship problems and can create new ones.

• This may just be a symptom of not enough intentionality in the relationship though (Source).

This is only comparative with living by yourself, but you will have less ownership and freedom to do things as you want to.

• You have to compromise on interior design, chores, etc. This is fine of course, but will likely never align exactly with what you would do own your own (for better or worse).

Depending on your point of view, seeing each other all the time can de-value your together time.

• The default is seeing your partner, but not necessarily spending quality time with each other.
• “You don’t get to miss the other person”
  • This only matters if you want that of course.

Living together means you have less space to yourself, and potentially less space in general.

• If you live with your partner in a one bedroom that isn’t much space. In the two bedroom it will be likely as expensive (or a little bit less/more depending on various factors) than what you would have paid for a one bedroom/studio living on your own.
  • In other words, just because you are paying half does not mean you are getting twice as good of a space.
• You cannot escape the person if you are in conflict or just want time to yourself.
  • Some people can’t truly relax if they know another person is in their space/could interrupt their solitude/flow.

Benefits Of Not Living Together

You get to have two different places!

• This allows for sleepovers to be fun
• It also forces you to be more intentional
• Having two spaces can also mean that you have different things to do depending on which place you are

It opens up the possibility for you to be with someone who you wouldn’t be compatible as a roommate (cleanliness, sleep schedule, noise level).

It allows you to create new relationships with a new roommate or deepen your existing relationships by living with friends/family.

Conclusion

I hope that my thoughts about this topic have brought up some alternate ways to think about moving in together. All I want to show is that living together isn’t some can’t-miss step in a relationship, and that it could actually even be beneficial to live apart. This doesn’t mean that your relationship is any less, you are just doing whatever is best for both parties.

If you want to live with your partner and you’ve thought through it all, congratulations! I wish you the best. I believe that relationships are about sharing life, and that living together is a great way to do that.