Polywise: A Deeper Dive into Navigating Open Relationships by Jessica Fern & David Cooley

“paradigms have the power to create not only our car of an emotional experience is bar, physical sensations and behavioral habits as well. The influence how we think, feel act, often without us, even realizing it.” (24)

• if monogamy is a paradigm can theoretically anyone be non-monogamous? if they are able to shed it

“ the human mind, once stretched to a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.” (26)

• what does non-monogamous experimenting do to a person?

“Even though they resonate, intellectually and emotionally with a tenant of non-, they’re nervous system – conditioned by years of monogamous’s expectations – can struggle to accept the changes that come along with practicing it. In such cases, people can experience a kind of CNM paradigm jet lag where their nervous system needs time to rewire itself and catch up to the new reality.” (28)

• Monogamous expectations is a good way of putting it since the brain does a lot of shortcuts dealing with expected reality

gotta reprogram the nervous system and internalize a new paradigm for CNM to really stick and not have nervous system activity left over from monogamy

• it takes time energy focus intention etc
• it helps for people in the relationship to understand the paradigm shift because it takes a lot of emotional work for it to happen and can’t just happen overnight

“ wanting exclusivity with a partner, does not mean you’re somehow less evolved this person, nor does having multiple partners guarantee that you’re more conscious.” (63)

“ just as monogamy is not for everyone, neither is CNM” (64)

having the choice between monogamy and non is the key

• you are resisting it being put on you by society

non-monogamy will certainly change your relationship and some people are afraid of change (71)

• you are rebuilding from ground up

“you’ve been asking your partner for certain behavior experience, change the dynamic expression of your preferred love language simulate to no avail… As you start to accept, you will probably never get it or assume your partner simply cannot keep such things. You suddenly see them giving that very thing to someone else.” (109)

• justice jealousy
• rejection
• inequality and injustice

“ those of us who live under the Spectre of a paradigm steeped in the principles of a punitive criminal justice system are conditioned to do everything in our power to avoid being put into the role of the perpetrator.” (141)

• defensiveness, explaining what you did was self defense or otherwise reasonable and that you’re not a bad person

“Getting consent to talk about challenging issues and hearing in on which ones you’re going to talk about is one of the best ways to avoid finding yourself in the middle of a hot unwanted mess”(144)

“in my experience, there are two levels of conflict, the storm and the content” (145)

• the storm is the physical emotional part of the conflict that comes from our nervous systems which usually is where we get stuck
• engaging in content isn’t hard with out the storm

divide into speaker/listener to reduce ambiguity and increase focus (154)

• listener will reflect back what they heard and acknowledge the hurt and take responsibility
• speaker and listener take turns if necessary
• then agreements will be made between parties to change and move forward
• don’t make excuses for your actions: does it help to explain your thought process or only to exonerate yourself?

developmental model of couples therapy

“in general, I think that CNM requires more individual differentiation which can support new CNM partners in being more helpful differentiated from the start” (187)

• “ you are much less inclined to bring the expectation that will be each other everything into a new relationship”
• “the degree to which so many adherence of CNM still struggle with the issue code and measurement seems to suggest that the romanticizing of symbiosis that is so prevalent concentric culture is one of the most difficult remnants of monogamy to shed” (221)
• differentiation is rare in relationships

secure connection versus attachment-based relationship (255)