Towards a Definition of Flirting

i believe that in order to learn how to be good at flirting, we must first understand what flirting is. in other words, we require a definition

to say something “flirtatiously” in the common parlance likely means that you said it in such a way to communicate interest

• “i like your shirt” vs “i like your shirt”
• but flirting can be done without actual interest/some people flirt just to flirt
  • i think that flirting can be done to show interest, but it need not

in a different vein, there is a camp of people who believe flirting is centered around subtext and innuendo

• “getting better at subtext” by @rue.yi (TikTok)
  • the author and commenters suggest that flirting is built upon plausible deniability but i don’t think that this is necessarily the case but i think it does take away from the fun when it gets too real
  • flirting like this leads to confusion and not understanding what is happening—is that a part of the fun?
  • i think it’s usually done this way bc as a culture we are scared of rejection and it’s usually better to be more reserved out of the gate
  • she also seems to argue that there is a lack of intent in flirting, which i think should be true, but isn’t actually true in practice
    • in being non-attached to outcomes you become more playful and perhaps a better flirter
    • intent and outcomes are different things, you could be romantically interested in someone but not attached to an outcome
    • there is likely intent behind every action, the intent probably being connection or fun first and foremost for flirting, but maybe she means intent for romance/sex
• i would argue that this is a mode of flirting, perhaps even our default cultural mode, but that it is not the only mode of flirting
  • i would argue innuendo and subtext is playfulness in addition to the main function of being open-ended for interpretation

i think that flirting can be overt

• an example is between two people who clearly won’t be/get together
  • a younger man and old woman who says “if only i was twenty years younger”
  • i don’t think that we would say that this somehow isn’t flirting, you don’t have to be attracted or intend for anything to happen for it to be flirting
• i think the two heterosexual men making sexual jokes about each other are platonically flirting

potential conditions for flirting:

• playfulness
  • complimenting someone seriously is a different register of speech
    • “i like your shirt” or “wow you’re really hot” in this way are not flirting
  • playful teasing when the person isn’t actually mad—body language, subject, tone, etc. communicates that you aren’t actually mad
  • there is an idea at large that flirting should be and is fun
• subtext
  • this increases the tension
• demonstrating interest
  • you can flirt without being interested in someone
• tension
  • this seems more like a byproduct of flirting or what is being maintained via flirting rather than a constitutive condition of flirting
• focused attention
  • sole focus
  • eye contact, engaged listening
  • this seems to make it more arousing, but this doesn’t seem like a necessary condition to me
  • are trader joe’s employees flirting?