How To Build Relationship Skills

Stub • 903 Words • Loving Better • 11/12/2025

⚠️ This post contains a rougher cut of my thoughts on the topic and may be updated in the future. Please forgive any mistakes or lack of polish!

Background

These are skills that aren’t just romantic; they are necessary for any close relationship. This is because relationship skills at the end of the day are just interpersonal skills. They will help you have better familial, professional, platonic, and romantic relationships.

A common thing I hear is that someone needs to be alone (i.e. not in a relationship) in order to better themselves in order to be a better partner in a relationship. While there are certainly times that this is true, I believe that a lot of these skills must be practiced in the context of a relationship. However if you don’t want to “blow it” or practice with the fear of losing a romantic partner you can try bringing it into your longer friendships.

None of this will be revolutionary, but my hope is that by creating a centralized list that people can chart their progress and see in what ways they may need to improve to have better relationships.

I have linked a number of resources for most of the skills that I have listed, but I recommend that you also do your own research and dig deeper into things that you think you might need to work on. You may also need to go to therapy or other professional help to better develop some of these skills or help identify blind spots.

Things to Understand about Love and Relationships

Beyond just interpersonal skills I think there are some core beliefs you need/should have about love and relationships that are a strong base to motivate the acquisition of certain skills.

• Love is about seeing and being seen.
  • No one can read your mind.
  • You can’t get mad at someone if you haven’t communicated the failure and success criteria.
    • Assume that there is no such thing as common knowledge.
• It’s not how much we share or care, but how much we repair.
• Love isn’t easy, but it is simple.
• Love is a choice not a feeling.
• Love is care.
• Blind loyalty to your partner is not love.
  • Blind Loyalty: Is It Costing You Your Happiness? | Zariah Banks
• Only you and your partner need to agree on whatever norms are for your relationship.
  • Normative Relationships | ReesWrites

Relationship Skills

Meeting Needs

• Anticipating needs
• Understanding and meeting needs
  • How to tell the difference between a relationship NEED and a relationship WANT | TherapyJeff
• Understanding Love Languages
  • How do they feel loved/appreciated/desired?
  • Love Languages Are Fake. So What? | ReesWrites
• Knowing when to put someone’s needs above your own
  • If one person is constantly sacrificing stuff while the other isn’t that’s not necessarily good
  • When Caring for Others Becomes Unhealthy | Serenity Lane

Interpersonal Conflict Resolution

• Collaborative problem solving and when not to solutionize
  • Fixing Vs. Listening | Mogigraphia
• Listening to Respond vs. Listening to Understand | Second Story Counseling
• Don’t be mean or criticize your partner
  • The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling | The Gottman Institute
• Avoiding defensiveness
  • The Four Horsemen: Defensiveness | The Gottman Institute
• Giving a good apology
  • Do it quickly but actually know why you’re apologizing and if you don’t what you did wrong then that needs to be a conversation
  • The art of a heartfelt apology | Harvard Health
• Relinquishing rightness
  • How to Stop Proving You’re Right (Even When You Are) | Psychology Today
• Knowing when to step away and self-regulate
  • 7 Strategies For Couples That Need To Walk Away From A Fight | Tribeca Therapy
• Say what you mean and mean what you say
  • If you don’t know how to express yourself in the moment try to think about it because some things cannot be taken back
  • How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive | HelpGuide

Dealing With Emotions (Yours and Your Partners)

• How to deal with negative emotions and process it
  • Fear, shame, anxiety, anger, disappointment
  • How to not take anything out on your partner
• Setting boundaries when your partner is taking things out on you or projecting
  • Responding Mindfully When Your Partner is Projecting On You | Nancy Colier
  • When Someone Takes Their Anger Out On You, Stop The Fight In Seconds With These 3 Powerful Strategies | Doug Noll
• Not pathologizing your partner if they have mental illness/are neurodivergent
  • The Harm of Pathologizing Your Partner | Amethsyt Counselor
• How to console your partner (make them feel better)
  • 8 Ways to Provide Emotional Support for Your Partner | VeryWellMind
  • 6 Ways to Provide Comfort If You’ve Hurt Your Partner | GoodTherapy
• How to give your partner reassurance
  • Reassurance Seeking | Psyche
    • You should always try to reassure your partner when they ask for it, but in the back of your mind you should pay attention to the patterns of reassurance seeking to see what they are coming from (insecurity, bid for connection, anxiety, etc.)

Connecting

• Ability to recognize and respond appropriately to bids for connection
  • Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids | The Gottman Institute
• How to turn toward your partner when it gets hard (looping someone in even if you are self regulating during a bad time)
  • How to Communicate With Someone Who Shuts Down | Growing Self
  • Love is in the small things: turning towards instead of turning away | Colorado State University
• How to bring someone into your world
  • Sharing your inner world
    • Expressing feelings (positive and negative), worries, hopes, dreams, motivations, fears, etc.
  • Introducing them to friends and family
  • Showing/sharing your hobbies and interests