My Take on a Relationship Anarchy Worksheet

Article • 654 Words • Non-monogamy • 12/10/2025

Motivation

As I stated in The Worksheet-ification of Relationship Anarchy, I believe that RA worksheets could lead to shallower engagement with RA principles. This in turn has challenged me to try to further deconstruct the idea of a relationship in a worksheet.

I wanted something that would better prompt conversation while also motivating people to dig a bit deeper. The answer to a lot of the questions posed to the article might be “No”. It is paramount that you do not internalize that as rejection or somehow a ding to your relationship’s worth.

A lot of this is motivated by my own relational philosophies so it might not really resonate with you and that’s okay. I do think that there is something in here that you could take away from it even if you don’t agree with me in totality.

How do you want to connect?

I believe that when we talk about connection in relationships, we are talking about the types of intimacy. This is because intimacy can be defined as some “feeling of closeness, connection, and/or understanding between people”.

(Some) Types of Intimacy:

• Intellectual
  • Are we exchanging thoughts, beliefs, and ideas?
  • What is intellectual intimacy? | Space Between Counseling Services
• Physical
  • Are we sharing touch and our other senses?
  • Sensual vs. Sexual: Understanding the Differences | ChoosingTherapy
• Emotional
  • Are we seen and understood?
  • Emotional Intimacy | Beach Cities Psych
• Play
  • Are we showing up and connecting in a non-serious, fun kind of way?
  • What is play?
  • Teasing and Flirting
    • Teasing, Play, and Flirtation
  • Humor
    • Riffing is Human Nature
• Access
  • Are our access needs understood and supported?
  • Access Intimacy: The Missing Link | Leaving Evidence

Credit to: Psychology Today

You are likely not compatible with someone on all levels of intimacy (and that’s okay!)

• It could be that what makes you sexually compatible makes you not emotionally compatible Do you feel like something is missing? Why? Call it out and see if it is something that you actually want or not.

You could have someone that you love connecting with on politics, literature, music, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you will want to/be able to connect in other forms.

I think that the kinds of way that you connect informs what you end up sharing in the relationship, which dovetails nicely into the next section.

What do you want to share?

From my articles, Relationships Are About Sharing Life, Mutual Support in Friendship, and Are shared goals required for partnership?, I have drawn together a list of things that I think are up for sharing in a relationship. All of this to say that I don’t have all the answers of what you can possibly share about relationships and that it truly is all up for grabs.

Possible Categories:

• Goals
  • Do you want to work toward anything together in this relationship?
• Resources
  • Do you want to save together towards a goal or for certain expenses?
    • Yours, Mine, Ours
  • How do you split expenses when going out or staying in?
  • Do you want to share a living space?
• Support
  • How much do you expect me/want me to be there for you?
  • Do you want to not have to ask me to help you?
    • No mindreading! Just that you would have talked about ways to help ahead of time.
  • How much can I lean on you?
    • For money? For emotional support? To drive me to the airport? To get my groceries?
• Presence & Experience
  • How much do we want to see each other per week? For how long? Doing what? Where?
  • How much do you want to talk? Small talk? How/where do you want to talk?
  • Holidays together? Travel together (work, recreation, family, friends)?
• Community/Relationships
  • How much do we want to spend with each other’s family and friends?
  • How much do we want to know about each other’s partners?
    • This is something that gets touched on in polyamory with levels of interaction/integration of multiple partners.