Ways of Being A-Spec

What is A-Spec?

A-Spec is a term for being on the Asexual (ace-spec) and/or Aromantic (aro-spec) Spectrums. You can identify as A-Spec as an umbrella term, or as someone who identifies themselves as some other identity within the Ace-Spec (e.g. graysexual) or Aro-Spec (e.g. demiromantic).

What makes someone A-Spec?

I have a pet peeve when people use causal language with A-Spec identities. It is not that you lack sexual attraction because you are asexual, but instead you are asexual because you lack sexual attraction. This may seem like I’m arguing small semantics, but there is a huge difference between the meanings of the two sentences.

As outlined in my article Asexuality, Attraction, and Desire, I generally believe that attraction is “targeted desire” or a desire to do certain types of things with a particular person. With asexuality that would be sexual attraction, and with aromanticity that would be romantic attraction.

This means that attraction has two main components: the desire and how it is targeted (if at all). Something that I haven’t really seen discussed a lot in popular A-Spec discourse is examining how these two parts determine your A-Spec identity. If you don’t have the desire at all, then most people would probably fall under being asexual or aromantic. However if there is desire but there are conditions on the targeted part of desire, that is where more of the spectrums come in.

Ace-Spec

If you are repulsed by sex and thus don’t want to do it with anyone, then you are asexual (more particularly a sex-repulsed ace). Not all asexuals are like this, but this is a common way to be asexual because it is much more clear-cut since you can’t have targeted sexual desire if you don’t have any desire in the first place. Some asexuals have high libido (sex drive), but they don’t feel it targeted toward anyone in particular, which is an equally valid way of being asexual.

If you’ve found that you don’t feel any kind of sexual attraction with strangers but that it suddenly occurs when you get to know the person better, then you are probably demisexual. There is a lot of confusion surrounding demisexuality because many people say that just sounds like how most (allosexual) people approach sex. I think that this is understandable because there is overlap, but just because there is overlap doesn’t mean that they are the same thing.

The majority of allosexuals will only have sex with someone if they’ve established a strong bond with them.
 
Demisexuals will not feel sexually attracted to anyone until they’ve formed a strong bond with them.
 
– @debthedemi on Tumblr

There is no cut and dry boundary between allosexual and ace-spec behavior, it is something that is ultimately decided by you. Ultimately identify as ace-spec depends upon what resonates the most with you. There are many different identities within the ace-spec that allow for lots of flexibility while allowing yourself to continue to develop your understanding of yourself.

Aro-Spec

Aromanticism is a bit more difficult because romance is more socially constructed. What is romance to you? Through that definition, you are able to label what acts are romantic, and if you desire to do those things with a particular person. I believe that you can be aromantic simply by denying this category of actions, like I have done myself. It isn’t possible to have a desire to do romantic things if you don’t believe such a thing exists.

This was something that I determined for myself after I thought long and hard about the distinctions between platonic and romantic relationships for me. This isn’t something that is true for all aromantic people, but lots of them have trouble differentiating the two (Source).

Similar to the above Aro-spec section, there is not cut and dry answer for a boundary between romantic and platonic actions/relationships, it is all social convention and personal belief. There is something freeing but also scary about getting to decide that for yourself.

Many Aro-spec people believe that romantic actions exist, just that their capacity of romantic attraction to people has certain conditions. Demiromantic, recipromantic, etc are all various kinds of preconditions for someone to be able to develop romantic attraction/feelings towards someone.

How can I know if I’m A-Spec?

You should think first if you have desire. Then ask yourself if it is targeted. This will require lots of introspection and thinking about the common things that your previous crushes/partners have shared. You might not be able to find something, and that is alright. The Asexual Spectrum includes many gray and umbrella identities that can help you understand yourself and communicate your identity to others.

Ace-spec:

• Sexual desire
  • Do I have these feelings in general?
• Targeted
  • Do I want to do it with anyone in general?
  • What kind of connection do I need to have with a person in order to feel something?

Aro-spec:

• Romantic desire
  • Do I have these feelings in general?
    • Do I believe in a distinct category of romantic actions?
      • What distinguishes it from platonic actions?
• Targeted
  • Do I want to do it with anyone in general?
  • What kind of connection do I need to have with a person in order to feel something?

These kinds of things can also change. Sexuality is fluid. Sometimes it’s biology circumstance, other times personal understanding or simply change over time. This doesn’t mean you have to change or want to change, but to understand that it’s all part of the natural process of being human and living. Be nice to yourself and don’t become too attached to an identity that you deny yourself experiencing your own feelings.