Difficulties in Non-Traditional Dating

Background

I chose the term “non-traditional dating” because I identify as aromantic and asexual, so I am already dating from a different frame than others. I also practice Relationship Anarchy, with an interest toward practicing it as a form of non-monogamy.

I recently went to the wedding of my high school friend, the first of my friends to get married. It was a wonderful celebration of love and I was able to see a lot of my friends and hear about where they are in their relationships as well. There I felt something I wasn’t prepared for; feeling like I was behind. I don’t even really particularly want to be married, nor do I need to be partnered, but I think social conditioning and proximity made it feel like I was missing something.

While I have always tried to date with an abundance mindset, it can sometimes be hard to focus on the bright side when facing degrees of rejection or perceived non-success. I don’t want this post to come across as me complaining, but rather me trying to show the realities of non-traditional dating.

Dating While Aroace

I identify as aromantic, but because I do not recognize the platonic-romantic distinction of actions. It’s not to say that I’m not interested in doing things that other people consider as “romantic”, but that I consider partnership the main aspect that I am looking for.

That can be very hard to explain to other people, and not everyone can understand it. I’ve had one person stop talking to me after they knew that I was aromantic and asexual. Of course I don’t know this for sure, there are a multitude of other reasons why they could have ghosted me, but the timing was quite suspicious.

At the same time, it is also valid for the other person to want to feel desired in a sexual/romantic way and I cannot strictly provide what someone is looking for/wants. It makes me want to change myself to be able to provide something for someone that I like, but it isn’t so easy to change your own natural tendencies, nor should you have to change a deep part of yourself for someone else.

Dating While Polycurious

You can’t really straddle monogamy and non-monogamy. For example, on dating apps if you were to put ENM on it, many people would probably not swipe on you or unmatch later when they learn more about it. You can try to not mark yourself as ENM and date as normal, but there comes a time when you have to talk to the person and say that while you are looking for something long-term that it might not be exclusive. You can probably still make friends and keep people this way if the connection was strong enough, but the rejection certainly does accumulate psychologically speaking.

Online dating is a numbers game, and the number of non-monogamous people is obviously quite limited. It’s estimated that 4-5% of the population are practicing non-monogamy. It’s interesting to note that at least 20% of Americans have tried, but it also goes to show that some will open and then close their relationship (or it ends). One-third of Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, to a degree, but I don’t see the number of practicing non-monogamous people going up a lot anytime soon just because of where we are in the adoption curve.

For some who is ambiamorous (open to both monogamy and non-monogamy), this is less a problem because they could be on different platforms, one more focused on finding monogamous connections, while the other is for finding non-monogamous connections. While I am not entirely ambiamorous, I think that I could still utilize this approach, but that brings to me to the problems of the next section.

The Intersection of Aroace and Non-Monogamy

I think that a lot of the non-monogamy that I see is romantic and/or sexual, which can be alienating at times. As I outlined in the section above, there aren’t that many non-monogamous people. Combining that with the fact that only about 1% of the population is asexual, it makes it quite rare for me to find people who I can really relate to.

It is important to note that there’s probably more asexuals than that because of sampling and also the difficulties in understanding asexuality and being comfortable identifying publicly as such. Additionally, asexuals are probably statistically more likely to be in a non-monogamous relationship because asexuality is already unconventional by societal standards and prioritize emotional connections, intimacy, or companionship over sex.

With all that being said, through my own experience it has definitely been difficult trying to find non-monogamous people out in the wild who I am interested in. Throughout my time on dating apps, a lot of the people already have primary partners and are looking for something more casual/fun. I have nothing at all against this, just that its not quite what I am looking for at this time.

Conclusion

As I started in the introduction of this article, I don’t want this post to come across as me complaining, but rather me trying to tell my own experience and portray things that others may face while dating in a non-traditional manner. With this, I want to also focus on the upsides of non-traditional dating.

I am still having a lot of fun meeting new people and even if dating doesn’t work out with people I am usually able to still remain friends with them and have people in my life. Each experience teaches me more about myself and what I want and while I definitely open myself up to rejection and other forms of emotional hurt, I think that on the whole, the good outweighs the bad. Non-traditional dating allows for so many more varied forms of connection that are immensely fulfilling (and potentially life-changing?!).