Reimagining Romance

All links in this anthology are to things that I have written on my site. In this anthology I am attempting to “glue” my various thoughts on romance together in a more singular, cohesive piece.

Part I: Problems With Romance

I do not think that romance/romantic relationships should be a primary life goal.

• This is sometimes referred to as “de-centering romance”.
• I have no problem with romance per se, but I think that the channeling/implementation of romance into romantic relationships should be only a portion of your total relationships/energy/time.

For one, romantic desire is fickle and sometimes hard to cultivate and keep alive, all of which makes me believe it to be a dubious foundation for a long-term relationship.

• The Problems With Romantic Desire
• Romance as a Bad Organizing Principle
• Romance Feels Good, Which Is Sometimes Bad

I think that the social organization and social messaging around romance and marriage makes us expect too much out of these relationships.

• The Allure of Convenience
• Does your partner need to be your best friend?

The problem with romance is that it has a lot of conceptual baggage, like societal norms, many of which are outdated and don’t serve people as well as they used to, if they ever did at all.

• The Norms of Romance

Part II: Reimagining Romance

I don’t think of romance as a mind-independent category. Not only is it socially influenced, it is personally constructed (unique to each person) and necessarily exclusive (can only be applied to a limited number people in your life).

• Romance Is Personally Constructed and Necessarily Exclusive
• I think that this means that each person can individually reimagine romance, and in communicating and practicing it with other people, the overall social concept of romance will change over time.

There are a number of different (reasonable) positions that you can hold in regards to reimagining romance.

• Romantic Apologist: Someone who thinks that romance is the right way to organize society/relationships and/or that romantic love is the highest form of love.
  • While the Romantic Apologist is not the position I would find myself in, I do think that it can be an enlightened position. I do not think it is necessarily a conservative position that believes that we got romance “right” in society (i.e. that it might need some more work), but that romance is still a high human good that ought to be pursued.
• Romantic Reformer: Romance has its place, but romance itself or values surrounding it have to be changed.
  • I would think that most people would be right around here, or at least the more critical readers. People might disagree about the extent of reformation or the kinds of things that need to be changed, but they would generally agree that we do not have romance “right” in some kind of important way(s).
• Romantic Abolitionist: Romance has no place in society and should be abandoned altogether and instead embracing love in general.
  • This sounds a lot more radical than it actually is. We have to remember that romance as a category is quite new, relatively speaking. This position has the potential to be extremely transformational, but it has to be done in a way that puts love first and suffuses it into everything.

Part III: My Vision For Romance

I think that I fall somewhere between the Reformer and Abolitionist position (which is somewhat funny seeing as I made up both terms).

• I recognize the appeal of romance and letting people construct it for themselves while de-centering it, but I choose not to identify with it.
  • Imagining a post-romantic world

I think that non-monogamous romance that doesn’t necessarily lead to partnership would be the ideal state of romance in society.

• Romance should be light & fun, it can lead to something, but no worries if not.
• I feel that a lot of people choose not to pursue things because they are scared about the long-term, but also that a lot of people stay in the long-term when they really shouldn’t.
• Detangling Romance and Partnership

I think that for child-rearing or other domestic tasks, that Non-Romantic Partnerships could fulfill the role that romantic relationships currently play in that regard, perhaps even better than romantic relationships.

• It takes a village after all!
• Maybe this leads to more people living in a commune with their partners, friends, and/or family.

All in all, I want to see a world with love at the center of all relationships and relationships at the center of life.

• My vision for romance is just my own vision, but there are steps that can be taken by individuals now in order to bring about a life with love at the center.
• Resisting the Automatic +1
• This is not without precedent, in the book The Other Significant Others, the author imagines “life with friendship at the center”. In my mind, I am just expanding this idea of friendship into love at the center.
  • Love of family, friends, partners, etc.